Starting over is a hard thing to do. I don’t want to meet someone new, learn their favorite color and what they like to do. I don’t want to date around until I stumble upon my soulmate. I’m done.
Ehh..
Not really.
It wouldn’t feel right to say this without telling you a little. I grew up seeing the most toxic relationships. One of my memories of my mom that scarred me, was when she was pregnant with my brother. Her boyfriend and her were fighting and we were walking away and he had my mom’s head hanging off a curve. I was so young I can’t remember the details, but I also can’t delete the image out of my head. One of my memories of my dad with his girlfriend at the time, was him and her physically fighting every holiday. It made me so mad because it was almost like they would ruin the holidays on purpose.
In my head, I always imagined my love life being like the ones on Hallmark. I would move away into a small town, bump into this handsome guy in a store, and eventually fall in love with him. Then boom, the rest would be history.
Love is complicated when it is not done the way God intended it to be. God told us how to love and showed us how to love, yet we seem to look at the Bible as if it is a book of rules. That is a lie from the enemy. It’s a love letter meant to protect and guide us through life, because we don’t have to struggle in order to learn.
But back to my messy life.
I wasn’t sure how to love and honestly who to love. So, I started trying to make every guy I met my husband and it led to a lot of hurt and pain. Then I joined the military and got stationed overseas. I was violated the first night I decided to go to a barracks party with my friend. I carried the blame for so long and kept silent because I didn’t want to ruin his friend group or my reputation.
So, I lost all since of respect for myself and I gave myself away to whoever I wanted because it made me feel as if I was in control. But then one guy came around and he treated me different. He loved me the way he knew how. I was so far gone mentally and emotionally that I couldn’t fully love him back. Then we got married.
Yes, I said it. We were in the service, everyone gets married young and fast. In my head I had second thoughts because we didn’t agree on certain things, but I said to myself that love will come eventually.
If I’m being honest and authentic, I can say that love did come. We started to help each other grow. But I feel that when we moved in together we learned quickly that we were not alike. I feel that he would hold back and make himself small a lot so I wouldn’t have anything to say. Then I would pick at small things because I wasn’t feeling what I thought I should be in my heart at that point. Then our baby came into the picture and things were better for a
moment, until we had to face each other again.
Long story short we are now divorced after a three year marriage. Not only do we have to reap the consequences, but our daughter has to grow up in a split household. This isn’t what the 13 year old version of me imagined. This is not right. I felt like a failure. I felt like I failed everyone around me. Not to mention the words people were speaking over me were not helping, they were feeding the pain inside of me.
But, God saved me.
He came into my life when I felt as if I didn’t have anyone. Everyone silently judged and frowned upon me. But, God loved me and healed my open wounds. He became my peace. I realized that I idolized my ex. I thought I couldn’t do anything without him. Then, God showed me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I thought my life was over.
Nope.
God is just starting from scratch.
Now, I understand that I must have a solid foundation. God is number one in my life. I must allow Him to fill my cup, so that I don’t expect my future husband to deplete himself by trying to complete me.
Starting over is like walking through a storm. One thing you have to remember when starting from scratch is that, every storm will pass.
To go back on what I said at the beginning, I do want to start over. I still have hope that I’m going to meet my Hallmark man that loves Jesus, is not a cornball, tallish, and handsome….
Let me relax on the list …
Just know, your time is coming. Focus on what God is doing in your life right now. Put Him first always and He will come through for you! God knows what you need!
Song recommendation for today is Tamela Mann “God Provides”
Read Philippians 4. How does this chapter make you feel? How can this help you in times of trouble?
Bible Brat 
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